I got to sit in the family section for a wedding this weekend and watch and enjoy the service, rather than create or officiate for it.  It was a lovely wedding, meaningful in all the right ways.  Traditional in format, personal in content, and though it took place in a lovely, simple, New England Church there were many references to faith, but not a single reference to God.  There were blessings read by Aunt and Father, but none of them called upon a Deity of Reference.  It was a very reverent service, but never a mention of a higher power.  The bride and groom have known each-other a long time, the families on both sides already tightly bonded, were glowing with happiness and a peaceful confidence that their children were better together than apart, stronger as a team, and fully committed to each-other's happiness.  Vows were exchanged in candid honest terms and spoke of the couples desire to be gentle and kind to one another and supportive of each-other for the rest of their lives.  For this family, marriage is a reverent meaningful commitment made and witnessed by those most loved, and the blessings of meaning came from friends and family.  There was an acknowledgement of faith, the value of believing in love, the risks that must be taken to be open to love and the courage needed to support one another in love.   There were MANY tears shed, and much laughter.  The ceremony was a wonderful centerpiece and cornerstone of a day filled with joy and the tone carried right from the church to the buoyant reception on a boat, on a lake at sunset.  The themes of family, candor, love and commitment emerged in the ceremony and transcended right into the toasts, the first dances and the cake cutting at the reception.  In the end, this couple chose to tell their story, their way, in a language that was the organic honest language that resonated with their family and friends. In turn their family and friends were gifted with a sense of belonging and inclusion.  In the ceremony, when the Celebrant asked if the family and friends gathered were ready to not only bear witness to the union but to openly support the couple through the peaks and valleys of their lifelong commitment, there was a resounding spontaneous affirmation, with no need for prompting.  When a ceremony is spoken in the words and the ways of those getting married, little or no prompting is ever needed because everyone feels at home, everyone is at ease, everyone feels connected and involved, and they just know what is expected of them. Days later, many are still talking about the wonderful experience they had at the wedding this weekend. 
As you plan and envision your wedding, I encourage you to stick to the language of your love, side with the belief's of your heart and speak to the places from which you draw your strength and conviction because doing so will create a wedding ceremony that becomes the centerpiece of your day, and a memory that will last a lifetime. 

I went to see a Michael Buble concert here in Connecticut at the Mohegan Sun Arena recently. It was a birthday present from my husband. A night out for a change, a few moments to celebrate my life here and now.

I have not been to an arena concert in a long time. This one is big, not gigantic, in fact there’s not a bad seat in the house, and Michael’s tech crew had a beautiful way of using high def projection to make you feel like you were very close to the singer and the band. You could see facial expressions; you could see the gestures. It created a sense of intimacy with the performers. Sitting amongst a few thousand, seats are close and getting to know your neighbor tends to occur no matter how one might try to keep it all within an acceptable social distance. To stay and enjoy, everyone has to drop their own personal boundaries on some level just to be comfortable. It’s an odd sort of social contact that occurs in this kind of space. 
One of the things that drew me was a lifelong love of big band music coupled with the chance to hear extremely fine renditions of classic wedding songs. The themes are timeless; the lyrics speak with nostalgic clarity to the awesome power of love and the way it changes our lives. I can’t help it, I like spending time appreciating the sense of wonder and awe that happens when two people connect deeply with each-other.  I guess that’s why I am a Celebrant.

Michael started the concert by saying that his perspective is that every concert is a party, he encouraged people to stand up, speak up, move and celebrate life. He also took a little time to apologize for postponing this long standing event by 24 hours in order to allow himself and fellow Canadian and Boston locals to watch the last game of the Stanley Cup. For the inconvenience, he was openly boo’ d by a large number of people in the audience.  I wasn't  sure this was going to be the party Michael was hoping for. But he sang, and the band played, and some time passed and the energy changed. By the end of the night, much of the crowd was on their feet, Michael sang his hit “I Just Haven’t Met You Yet” which he described as an “homage to hope”. It is also inspired by one of the best contemporary love songs ever, “All you need is Love” by the Beatles (and played nicely in a wedding scene in the movie "Love Actually"). When Michael got to the chorus, the whole arena sang in unison “love, love, love, love… love, love, love” (that part of my blog conveys best if you have at least heard this song once in your life). At that moment, the Celebrant in me woke up and watched as all around, people were inspired to connect in song. Virtual strangers, who clearly knew that Mr. Buble could likely not see them or hear them as an individual, broke into song. I admit that for me, part of the poignancy of the moment was that they were singing with much joy and abandon about the cornerstone of my personal belief system… LOVE, but that was not what made me sit up and take notice. It was an awareness of how often we become so moved by the experience and the joy and the power of connection, that we just have to let it out. It happens often at weddings.  We come as family and friends to witness a union, and we watch the connection between the couple, and we feel the love and support of those around us, and the chemistry of connection sweeps through the room.  People shake their heads in agreement to words spoken or gestures imparted, we laugh without being told to, we touch the person or people we share a connection with, we cry.  Ever heard someone talk about a great wedding-they say something like "it was so beautiful I sobbed like a baby, best wedding I have been to in a long time".   The beauty was in that overwhelming sense of feeling connected.  It's a powerful thing, and it's a true gift to create a connection in a community even for a few minutes or a few hours, and to share it amongst those you love and care about.  We take it for granted, but think of the times that the connection moved right through a group and before you knew it people were caught up together singing or dancing, or moving in unison. I was reminded that this is part of why we celebrate, why we need to celebrate, and why we should look for ways to bring celebration to our lives. Your wedding ceremony is a chance to bring one of your life moments to light, and to share the power of connection with each-other, and with your family and friends.  A personalized ceremony that shares your story, your love, and your hopes and dreams for your future is a powerful catalyst to a deep, rich, valuable connection experience. 
This sense of celebration and connection was driven home for me at the very end of the Michael Buble concert (which was fantastic by the way). Michael was saying his goodbye. He thanked everyone quite graciously for being willing to forgive the delay and for making the choice to celebrate life for a couple hours. And he thanked the crowd for being candid enough to BOO him earlier in the show. He said it was scary to hear so many people openly upset with him, but that in hearing and sharing their response, he felt truly alive. That awareness brought him a tremendous sense of gratitude. They shared and he connected and the connection had a powerful impact on him. And that’s the truth of it.

A certified Life-cycle celebrant can help you catch the moments in your life that are meaningful to you, embrace the opportunity to share them with others, and create a ceremony both heartfelt and meaningful that will become a beautiful gift of connection to a room full of people you love and care for.  It's powerful on so many levels.  When it happens, (and it will happen) your guests will go home and say "It was beautiful, best wedding I have ever been to in a long time". 

Recently someone asked me "what's the right way to do a hand-fasting ritual in a wedding".  My response: "Anyway you want".   Hand-fasting is a ritual in which the couples hand or hands are draped or ceremonially tied as a sign of the unity their marriage creates.  There are of course  more than a few historical and cultural references on how to do a hand-fasting.  If it's important to you and your fiance to recreate a historically accurate and culturally accurate ritual, you should tell your celebrant about your desire.  Strong celebrants are trained and versed in cultural ritual.  I learned hand-fasting from my mentor at the Celebrant Foundation and Institute.  However for most couples, I find that what they really are looking for is a way to use traditional ritual in a method that is meaningful to them.  Which is why I say that a hand-fasting ritual can be done "right" many ways.  You can start with the type of material you use for the hand fasting.  It can be something meaningful to you, your family, your cultures or your union.  Common themes for the fasting cord include rope, ribbon, knitted or crocheted lengths, leather and even flowers, pukka shells or strung beads.  Idea's for the cords include braiding different colors to signify the bride, groom, their children, family lineage, favorite colors etc.  The end of the cords can be used to hang tokens of significance as well.  I had one couple that wove small stones on to the end of the hand fasting cord.  The stones came from a river where they often hiked during the early days of their relationship.  Another couple used an heirloom pin from her Mother and a Mason's ring from his Father on the end of their hand fasting rope to honor their deceased parents.  There are  a wondrous array of ways to make the fasting cord highly personal.  As for the ritual itself, this too is an opportunity to use a traditional ritual in a way that conveys a meaning specific to you and your life together.  You can change when the ritual is used during the ceremony, you can change WHO performs the ritual, you can decide where and how the cord is fastened and for how long you remain fasted.  I've seen a couple who chose to be fasted at the wrist and remained so until after the procession.  The opportunity to weave cultural rituals into contemporary and personally unique experiences is one of the things I most love about creating custom weddings.  To me, it's part of the "some old, something new" tradition at it's best.  So the "right way" to perform almost any ritual in a wedding is the way that speaks most true to your heart. 

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions about this post.  I am alway happy to talk about  rituals, ceremony and weddings!  Happy weekend-   Elisa

My husband came home tonight and told me about a fairly long conversation he had with a young woman in his office.  She's getting married in the next couple years, rings have been bought, locations scouted, and honeymoon destinations are being catalogued.  My husband asked her if she was going to be married in her church or by a Celebrant.  She told him that she was not happy getting married in a the church because she had not attended a service since she was 13.  He suggested that she take a look at my website and the website of the Celebrant Foundation and Institute (www.celebrantinstitute.org).  After looking at our sites, she came back to my husband with one simple, astonished question "Can I legally compose my own wedding ceremony or have one composed for me?  I thought the Church or the State made up the ceremony, can I really have someone create an actual wedding ceremony written and composed the way we want it?"  My hubby is not a Celebrant, he is an Architect, but he lives with a person wholly committed to Wedding Celebrancy, and he stood by my side when I was ordained and when I graduated from the Celebrant Institute.  He "gets" it.  And so he said 2 things in response to her question: "Yes, you can absolutely create or have someone create a totally unique, personalized, totally customized wedding ceremony,  and you really need to call my wife, she loves to talk about weddings".  I was so proud of my husband, he's come a long way from the straight edge, traditional Justice of the Peace ceremony that joined us as husband and wife.  His answers to his colleague were not just sincere and enthusiastic, they were totally 100% accurate.  The words or format of your ceremony are not prescribed by the State.  There are clearly words that are suggested or prescribed by religious custom, but they are not legally required, and hey, if they are not YOUR custom, they may not belong in your wedding.  As a wedding officiant, there are a few things I need to ensure we cover in a wedding-namely that you have a license, that you are here to commit to the bonds of marriage, and that you are ready to love and honor each-other.  I need to pronounce that you have entered the bonds of marriage, but there is NO prescribed script for this.  Shocking?  Sort of.  True? Totally. You do not have to be "presented or given away", you don't have to "honor or obey".  You don't have to process if you don't want to.  You don't have to light a candle or read from a religious text.  I don't have to say "Dearly Beloved".   It is YOUR wedding and you can pick and choose every word of it.  With all of the details to plan for your entire day, and with all of the (rightful) focus on the meaning and the promise of the ceremony, I highly recommend you work with a celebrant who is experienced in creating fully customized ceremonies, who can get to know you, and your journey as a couple, who has tools that help determine your style and find the core of your values and who is experienced in pulling all of that into a well worded, meaningful ceremony.  But you don't have to.  You can choose.  There are officiants like me, who support your desire to have a ceremony that is meaningful and directed by you, and will work with you to make that happen.  :)